#16: 7 Dating Lessons To Apply To Your Job Search
As it turns out, job hunting is a whole lot like dating...
Laid Off Life is a place of respite for the weary workforce. Whether you’re unemployed or just trying to make it through the workday, let this be your 5-minute mental break from the grind of late-stage capitalism.
In this weekly newsletter, you’ll find musings and insights about work and life, interviews with other members of the LOL community, things I’m finding useful (or useless) in my job search, gems from my DMs, clickable bits n’ bobs, cheap thrills, and recs about worthy ways to waste time - from articles to TV shows and podcasts and beyond.
Dating Lessons To Apply To Your Job Search
In my early to mid-20s I was in two back-to-back relationships that ended with quite a bit of heartbreak. It was this heartbreak that ultimately propelled me forward and led to me quitting my job, moving across the country, and starting a whole new life where I eventually became…wait for it…a dating and relationships blogger! As they say, those who can’t do teach.
It was another 7 years of singledom before I met my current partner on an uptown N train. That’s right! I rode the dating rollercoaster for 7 years. As I’ve embarked on my, let’s call it a career transformation since being laid off, I’ve noticed that being unemployed is a lot like being single. I sincerely hope it doesn’t take me another life cycle to find a work situation worth committing to. 🙏🏼 In the meantime, I’m applying the lessons learned from dating to my job search. Here they are…
Don’t forget, you’re evaluating them just as much as they’re evaluating you. My dating life completely changed for the better when I stopped focusing on what the stranger across the table thought of me and started tuning into what I thought of them. This paradigm shift truly transformed the way I approached dating and I’m taking it with me as I meet with potential employers.
To illustrate how this important lesson applies to job hunting, I present to you the Tale Of Two Job Interviews. What you need to know: Both interviews were for jobs I was wildly overqualified for. In the first interview, the hiring manager seemingly had very little interest in the skills I brought to the table above and beyond the job description and clearly wasn’t thinking about all the additional value I could bring to the company. When that person sent me a rejection letter, they stated that I didn’t get the role because there were candidates with more niche experience.
Let’s compare that to a second interview, where the hiring manager encouraged me to talk about the breadth of my work skills and experience. They asked me if I felt I would get bored since I was overqualified and my answer, knowing that this was a small company, was that I wouldn’t get bored because there would be room to grow and expand the scope of my responsibilities. When the second hiring manager sent me a rejection note, they said that I wasn’t getting the position because, right now, they truly needed someone more junior, but that they would bring me back in the future when they needed to fill a leadership role. Now, I ask, which company do you think I’d ask out on a second date?
Don’t ignore red flags. In my epic 7-year dating stretch, I became an expert at ignoring red flags. I entertained some of the worst, douchiest, most inappropriate romantic candidates. You’re under investigation for insider trading? How charming! You’re a 37-year-old intern who lives on a boat and doesn’t believe in using deodorant? I think I love you!
Let’s just say I was mistaking being “open” for having appropriate self-worth and leave it at that. This is not a therapy session.
If you read about the 10 worst things I’ve done for money, then you know that my error in judgment extended to my career as well. The first job I interviewed for right after being laid off was a dream opportunity. Or so I thought. They called me in for 5 interviews before ghosting me. I spent months shaking my fists at the heavens. Why??? Why didn’t I get that job???? Well, several months later, the company dissolved that entire division laying off several employees. If only I’d seen the red flags that were there instead of taking it personally. NO MORE!!
Now, I show up with my magnifying glass. 🔎 I’m a detective looking for red flags everywhere. In the job description, the recruiter emails, the interview process. Some red flags for me personally are fanatical job descriptions, ghosting after two or more rounds of interviews, job postings that remain up for months or get reposted with a more junior job title, recruiters, and hiring managers who seem unable to describe the job responsibilities. If I see those red flags, I wave the white flag. The world doesn’t need me to be that open-minded. I can be in my worth, circumspect, and still open to opportunities. I’m curious to hear what your job search red flags are in the comments below. (I may do a follow-up post just on that topic.)
You’re not in control, but that doesn’t mean you’re powerless. Hard truth that I learned while dating: There’s nothing you can actually DO to land your dream person. Etsy spell be damned! This might be hard for you to hear. It was certainly hard for me to accept. You are not in control. And not being in control (especially if you love to be in control ✋🏼) can make you feel powerless because employers have all the control. Here’s what I’ve started to understand. OUT OF YOUR CONTROL and POWERLESS are not the same thing. You always have the power to choose how you handle things, what decisions you make, how you spend your time. You have the power to make yourself the best [INSERT CAREER ASPIRATIONS HERE] you can be. Take control of THAT. I did, and it made me feel human again. I have this newsletter to prove it.
You’re not doing anything wrong. Something that drove me batty when I was single was the dating industrial complex’s implication that I was doing something wrong. No, actually, I wasn’t! You can follow every tip, trick, and piece of advice and still find yourself very single. Trust me. And then one day a guy who you knew in college but haven’t seen for 15 years is sitting across from you on the N train and —BOOM! — it’s on.
Similarly, with job hunting you can customize the shit out of your resume, pimp out your LinkedIn profile, write cover letters worthy of a Pulitzer, and network until you drop dead, and if those things haven’t led you to a job yet, it’s not your fault. I repeat it’s not your fault. You just haven’t found the right opportunity yet. Although, of course, it’s so easy to take it personally. You’re human. It’s easy to blame yourself and think that there’s something you should be DOING to make yourself a more competitive candidate. (See #3) Instead, let’s normalize right place, right time thinking instead of victim-blaming the unemployed.
It’s OK to take a break. After too many go-rounds on the dating →excitement →rejection loop-de-loop, I’d find myself feeling extremely burnt out and filled with self-doubt. The only way to bounce back was to take a break until I was ready to get back on the roller coaster confident that I could ride without barfing. The same goes for job hunting. Breaks help us heal, help us gain perspective, help us gain clarity. Take them liberally!
Don’t settle for less than you deserve. When I was on the dating circuit, sometimes I would get so desperate to get off the goddamn rollercoaster that I would convince myself that someone who wasn’t right for me at all was my twin flame. I’m sure you can guess how those situations ended. Usually with me crying on a street corner at 2am.
We can all be delusional in this way. This is coming from the person who just admitted that I applied for at least two jobs (confession: there were way more than two!) that I was overqualified for. After the sting of rejection comes the moment of insight. Wait…I didn’t even want those jobs!! No, ma’am! Even if I did happen to get an offer from one of those companies and accepted it, I would have been settling. And I’m not just talking about settling when it comes to salary or job title. I’m talking about settling for something that’s not aligned with your goals, your aspirations, and your needs. Don’t do it!!
Desperation never leads anywhere good. While single, desperation usually led to me crying in public (See #6) .That sense of desperation was rooted in a desire for my innate lovability to be validated. When it comes to my career, desperation is typically driven by my need for a paycheck. Sure, validation that I have inherent worth in the job market is nice, accolades about my work feel great, but mostly, it’s about the paycheck.
How many times has a potential employer asked you why you want that job and you’ve been dying to say, Because I need to pay my bills! Can we please ban that question for all of eternity? We’re all working for the love of it (yeah, ok, sure) but mostly for the bennies. In this country, you need a job for a paycheck, yes indeed, but you also need it for health insurance, a retirement fund and so that you can go on vacation every once in a while or send your kids to college. If you’re independently wealthy, you can skip the next graph. Congrats to you!
For the rest of us, the need for bennies is real. But so is the need to make decisions that aren’t driven by desperation. A job taken out of desperation is a job you will hate. I know this from experience. I also know that I’m very privileged to have gotten severance pay (although that gravy train has since ended), to be on COBRA, and to have built up my F-U fund enough over the last few years that I have several months before I’m in danger of moving into my in-law’s basement. I’m also finding that if I’m flexible and enterprising, there is freelance work to be had — lots of it — until I find the right opportunity. Right now, I’d rather be hustling to make a buck, creating the job I want, and waiting until the dream job and I have our own special meet-cute before making a commitment that makes me miserable. And I plan to hold out as long as I can but hopefully not 7 years.
Worthy Time Wasters: The “I’m Woefully Behind On My Watching” Edition
Here are my weekly recs to combat doom scrolling.
I’m woefully behind on my watching, so I’m sharing what’s at the top of my watchlist. Sound off in the comments and let me know if these titles are in fact worthy!
I’ve been stalking this Nathan Fielder/ Benny Safdie collab for a while now.
The premise: A married couple goes to New Mexico to film a new HGTV show called “Flipanthropy.” When a child puts a curse on them, their relationship begins to unravel.
Variety calls “The Curse” the most “uncomfortable show of the year.” They go on to say”
“The Curse” bridges the capitalist commentary of “Nathan for You,” which was to “Bar Rescue” what “The Curse” is to HGTV’s “Flip or Flop,” and the eavesdropping-on-therapy feel of “The Rehearsal.”
📺 Colin From Accounts (Paramount+)
Loyal readers know I have a thing for Aussie comedies. Obvi, I was overjoyed to learn about “Colin From Accounts.”
The premise: It’s a rom com where the meet-not-so-cute involves a dog being run over. 😭
📺 You Were My First Boyfriend (MAX)
Described as a “hybrid” documentary, “You Were My First Boyfriend” approaches mortifying adolescent experiences in a totally fresh way.
The Premise: Filmmaker Cecilia Aldorando revisits her teenage years by reenacting the moments that have haunted her for the last 25 years.
📺 Love Has Won: The Cult of Mother God (MAX)
Give me a glut of cult documentaries and I’d be happy forever. Actually, someone should start a cult for cult documentary loves.
The Premise: “Love Has Won: The Cult of Mother God” chronicles the life and death of Amy Carlson, also known as Mother God, a self-proclaimed spiritual savior who built a cult through her online manifestos and live-streaming sessions. As Amy's health declined, her followers believed her death would lead to her evacuation by UFO and salvation for humanity.
Linkapalooza
This week’s clickable bits n’ bobs.
Summer camp, but make it for aspiring YouTubers // Must love books // Out with emotional support animals, in with emotional support bananas // The story behind L.A.’s most culty (and expensive) health-food store // What two beloved Christmas movies “Elf” and “Love Actually” have in common // Is deep reading a thing of the past? // Saying goodbye to Jezebel is the death knell for feminist blogs // Examining the legacy of Jezebel’s infamously contentious comment section 🪦// Get up close and personal with our Universe //
Gems From My DMs
The best stuff people sent me.
Advice worth getting tattooed on your body // Do you speak BIG ORG? // This ChatGPT prompt is 🔥🔥🔥 // The Maury Povich glory days // It’s Liza with a Z not Lisa with an S // There’s a store where you can buy stuff from people’s lost luggage// A picture of Chris Pine looking like werewolf Lisa Rinna //
💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻 Don’t keep all this fun to yourself! 🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️
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I could not agree more with this! LinkedIn gives me vivid flashbacks to my near decade of using dating apps. My favorite is the role that isn't actually going to get filled by anyone, which feels very much like a first date when he casually mentions that he was engaged until about a week ago. There is a serious lack of transparency in the dating world and job search!!!