#51: The Comparison Trap
How to avoid that sinking suspicion that everyone BUT YOU is winning the race.
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The Comparison Trap
Why is it so easy to scroll through your feed and believe that every other human being BUT YOU is winning the race? Of course, it’s NOT true. It’s a trap! You know that, right?
Still, you see colleagues announcing promotions, landing prestigious projects, and celebrating career milestones like it’s nothing. Meanwhile, you’re living in the land of ghost posts and rejection emails and feeling like a loser. It’s only natural to compare and find yourself coming up short. The carefully curated professional highlights you see online make it hard to remember that you’re only seeing a small, edited slice of reality. Behind those posts, everyone has their own struggles, setbacks, and doubts.
Last week, I was sick and ended up watching a disgusting number of episodes of Love Island USA—36, to be exact. During this binge, I found myself thinking a lot about the new host, Ariana Madix. She spent 10 years on Vanderpump Rules without much fanfare until her longtime boyfriend had an affair with another cast member. That scandal, otherwise known as Scandoval, catapulted her to international stardom. Since then, she starred in another season of VPR, appeared as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, landed a gig hosting Love Island USA, had a sold-out run on Broadway in Chicago, and opened a thriving sandwich shop, Something About Her. Holy shit! What a meteoric rise!
Some of her fellow cast members reacted to her ascent with shock, jealousy, and resentment at all the opportunities she was receiving. Why weren’t they receiving the same? (Cue “We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful” by Morrissey.)
In an after-show interview, Madix pointed out that —sorry, not sorry! —these opportunities were the result of years of preparation. She'd been waiting, training, and getting ready for the right moment, like a race horse ready to gallup ahead once the gates opened. And what underscored her big year of success? A major heartbreak and betrayal. I imagine it must have been bittersweet. But that’s the part we don’t get to see.
As I’ve written and talked about before, my first career was as an actress. I started performing when I was 4 years old and continued into my mid-20s. I worked HARD. I had many successes, but not to the meteoric level I thought I was striving for. I’ve known many talented performers who never had the success they deserved. Conversely, I’ve seen mediocre performers achieve great success. I think you can apply this statement to every single industry.
Setting conversations about race, gender, generational wealth, privilege, and nepo-babies aside for the moment—these are all undeniable factors—I think being “successful” (I put it in quotes because it means something different to all of us) generally comes down to a few things:
Unwavering belief in yourself.
Luck and timing.
Not comparing yourself to others.
The unwavering belief part is something I’m still working on. I know I’m not alone in that. The luck and timing bit, I have no control over. As for not comparing myself to others, I vowed to give that up when I quit acting. It was the very thing that made me so miserable while I was pursuing it. I kept watching other actors book big parts and wondering, “Why not me?” instead of asking myself a more productive question: “What brings me joy?” It took me two layoffs and a many, many years to get to that question. Of course, wanting to change a behavior and changing it are two different things. It took me several more years of practice to get there.
Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and I’ve found that to be true. When the dust from my PIVOT from theatre settled and I discovered my passion for writing, I knew I had to buckle down, put in the hard work, and hope that some good luck and good timing would align with my effort.
I learned something important in that transition: my journey is mine alone. It’s as unique as my fingerprint. I realized that if I was going to continue to be obsessed with what others were doing and achieving, I was going to rob myself of the opportunity to let my authentic purpose emerge. And the only person I could really compare myself to was myself.
Comparison is a trap, a negative feedback loop you can get lost in, and a ruthless thief of joy. Now, when I find myself getting lured into the comparison trap and feel that familiar twinge of jealousy or self-doubt, I flip the script. I let myself to take inspiration from other people’s wins. I let myself feel hopeful when other people live their authentic purpose. I let others’ successes fuel me on my own journey. It’s such a simple thing that can be so hard to do.
Here’s the thing: the only place you can be right now is the right place for you. So, BE THERE. There is so much power in embracing the current moment and so much beauty in understanding your unique journey, missteps, fumbles, and all.
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If you are in the Creative & Marketing space, I highly recommend connecting with Keva Dine, founder of The Keva Dine Agency, and one of the most bad-ass Recruiters I have met during my Laid Off Life journey. You may remember that I mentioned her in this episode of my podcast/vodcast. I’m working on getting her in for an interview. In the meantime, to find out more about how you can work with Keva:
Send her a LinkedIn connection request.
Apply to Get Scouted.
Or invest in YOU and up your game with her team of experts.
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