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When Does Imposter Syndrome End?
The second week on the job in my previous role, I was shoved into a room with at least 200 ad sales folks and told to present. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, so I tried to puff up my chest and speak with as much confidence as I could muster.
It was a disaster.
After the speaking, there were the questions. Lots of questions. I answered them all — even though I didn’t know the answers— and made grandiose promises that I probably couldn’t deliver on. The person running the meeting chuckled at me condescendingly, as if to say, “You poor, unfortunate soul.”
I felt like a total fraud.
That feeling followed me throughout my almost 8 years on the job, even when I got promoted, even when I won awards and accolades for my work, even when I knew exactly what I was doing, even when I knew how to answer every question.
Reflecting back, it had little to do with that first disaster of a meeting. (Aside from the fact that there’s nothing worse than being caught wrong-footed in a public environment only to be laughed at.) More likely it was connected to the toxicity of being in a cut-throat corporate environment for a prolonged period of time. When you are constantly pushed to do better, more, faster, and produce increasingly better results with fewer resources, you start to think about yourself and the people around you in a fucked up way. I felt like I could never measure up — no matter how hard I tried. Pair that with being set up to fail, and my confidence was perpetually in the toilet.
Toxicity aside, digging deeper into why I was feeling that way, I think the real fear wasn’t that the company would decide I didn’t belong there, but that they would discover I knew I didn’t belong there. Bottom line: I didn’t really want to be there. I had other aspirations for myself and the job was a layover on the way to my destination. The pressure only exacerbated that feeling.
Last week, I saw a job listing that piqued my interest. That rarely happens these days as I’m committed to making this self-employment thing a thing. I’m also committed to not putting myself through unnecessary stress. (Yes, I’m talking about the application, interview, rejection cycle.) But I thought, What’s the harm in trying? What’s the worst thing that could happen: yet another rejection letter?
I’ll tell you what the harm was.
I spent 2 days trying to write a charming yet professional cover letter that would stand out in a vast sea of applicants. I sought to articulate my skills and how they were transferable while remaining appropriately enthusiastic about the position.
I found myself on the hiring manager’s LinkedIn profile trying to absorb the language they used to describe their work so I could speak the same language in my cover letter. What am I doing? I thought. All of this for a position that I thought looked…pretty good?
Maybe it’s just a sign that I don’t want it badly enough.
Although, it’s hard to know if you want something from a few bullet points. A job is entirely theoretical…until it isn’t. I’m headed in a different direction professionally. I know that. But a desire for security (and health insurance) continues to pull me toward a 9 to 5 and sometimes I get caught in the tug-of-war between what I really want and what I think I need. That leads me back into an imposter syndrome cycle.
And that right there is the harm.
Deprogramming from the corporate hustle, I feel allergic to pressure, I feel allergic to working too hard to prove my worth. I’m in a place of “take me or leave me” and I think that’s the right place for me to be right now. Even if it means I can’t write a cover letter without having a nervous breakdown. Maybe it’s a sign that I have to stay the course in creating the career I want, even when I doubt I’ll come out the other end intact.
Worthy Time Wasters
Here are my weekly recs to combat doom scrolling.
📺 Hacks (Max) is back for Season 3 and I’m reminded, once again, that it’s one of the best shows on TV. I crave more of Deborah and Ava’s dysfunctional frenemyship. And If you find real-life frenemyship relaxing (Me! Me! Me!) Season 3 of Selling the OC (Netflix) has all the manufactured pass-aggro co-worker drama you can dream of.
🎥 I saw Challengers in the theater, which I highly recommend for all the tennis sequences. It was a full-contact, sizzler of a film perfect for horny GenZers. And I couldn’t escape The Idea of You (Amazon) because the level of promotion was staggering. I read the book long enough ago that I remembered the plot vaguely but didn’t remember how it ended. It was a good-ish escape if you overlook how annoying Anne Hathaway is.
📚 The new Emily Henry romance, Funny Story, is out and I’m one of a zillion women reading it. I don’t care if this makes me chuegy. It’s like candy in book form. Two jilted exes are forced to become roommates when their respective partners dump them and decide to run off together. Hmmm, I wonder if they’ll fall in love? Yes, yes of course they will.
Linkapalooza
This week’s most clickable bits n’ bobs.
Ladies, are you getting your 10 hours a night? // The best new podcasts of 2024 (so far) // As the market chases our ever-waning focus, a secret society of writers and artists fights back//What happens when your toddler is haunted by memories of their past life? // It’s official, 1994 was the last good year…I concur // This 32-year-old social worker posed as a teenager and no one knows why // A newly minted VOG (voice of a generation) 🤨 // People are finally willing to admit that they love The Valley//
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